Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
