What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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