we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
