When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
