the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
