We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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