You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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