Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
