and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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