i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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