i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
