I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She bit a glass in half.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
