You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
