i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
