So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
