rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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