I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
