yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I think I am morally bankrupt
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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