please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
