Cold hands, warm shart.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
