is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
