dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
