so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
