i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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