Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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