I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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