he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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