I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
wow bdsm is so cute
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
