Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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