Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize