I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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