New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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