dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
