Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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