i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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