you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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