No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
