I think I won the penis lottery.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
