Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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