I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
