I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
