By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize