I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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