I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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