youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
