I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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