"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
