peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
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