I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
