party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I'm really busy with my period
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