you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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