Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
