i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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