I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
