Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
