i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
