if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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