I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
