Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
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