That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
