I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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